From the Daily News, reproduced with permission.'Tis bittersweet 'mid the 'sandwich generation'
by Nancy Wexler, MA MFCT
Special to Family LifeJust minutes before leaving for her 16-year-old son's school open house, Patti Holtz (not her real name) had to switch gears, refocus and address the upset and confused expression on her 71-year-old mother's face.
Holtz had just learned of her mother's Alzheimer's disease diagnosis.
"I didn't know what to do," Holtz said -- especially when a command appearance at her son's open house was just moments away.
"We talked and hugged and cried together," continued Holtz, whose mother is a San Fernando Valley resident. "It was hard."
As is the case with thousands of baby boomers across the nation, Holtz is in the middle of what pop-psychologists are calling "The Sandwich Generation."
The sandwich "middles" are comprised of those individuals who must manage the care of both their young children and their aging parents.
According to a 1990 Newsweek story, the average woman spends 17 years raising children and 18 years helping aging parents.
The life expectancy of parents, however, is higher than ever before. In the early 1900s, the average life expectancy was only 47 years. By the year 2000, more than 3.7 million Americans are expected to be age 85 or older.
Members of the sandwich generation are like slices of baloney expected to give taste and meaning to the "bread" of their own children on one hand and their parents on the other.
The great myth is that you should be able to do it all -- your career, your parents and your children.
It is not easy to care for a parent. The average caregiver of an aging relative is 45 years old, female and married -- and the whole family feels the effect. One-third of caregivers report spending less time with their families.
Susan Goodman (also an assumed name), a Hollywood Hills resident, the mother of 6-year-old twins and a caregiver, said she feels family members are constantly vying for her attention.
"I'm overwhelmed," she said, "being pulled in every direction -- my mom, my kids, my husband. Some days I just want to cry and scream."
Terms such as "second childhood," commonly used to describe the needs of a frail or impaired older person, imply that caring for that individual is similar to raising a child.
But that's not true, according to the bon mot, "Why can one mother take care of 10 children, but 10 children can't take care of one mother?"
"Raising children and caring for your parent is all the difference in the world," according to Holtz. "With children, you continuously watch them grow; I am watching my mother decline.
"Every new thing your child does is growth," she said. "With my mother, it is loss; her personality is dissolving before my eyes."
Goodman agreed but added that she also believes caring for her 72-year-old mother is similar in some ways to raising her boys.
"I watch my mother like a hawk," she said.
Anger and guilt are irrational emotions, but they're common. They mean you're stuck and they're a sure indication that you must talk to somebody soon.
Schedule an appointment with a geriatric care consultant. Devise a support system. Bring in all the help you can, including family members or in-home help. And, possibly, create an alternative living arrangement.
Remember, you are sailing in uncharted territories without a map and often with little help.
By learning the ins and outs of managing the care of your parent, spouse and children, you will deeply and profoundly contribute in a way that will almost surely be best for all involved.
For more information, contact us
Copyright Nancy Wexler 1996, 1998.